More Blood tests is the devil! On one hand it tells me that I am within reported range for both numbers and doubling times. On the other hand it the hand it tells me that I am within these ranges for twins and triplets!

My hCg is up to 29978 today. I was hoping it would be in the 40 000s. The doubling time has improved though – from 111 hours between the first two readings, to 82 hours between the last two. My progesterone was still pending when I phoned the offices. I have asked Dr P to give me a call once he has looked at my numbers. I think his secretary could hear how worried I’m sounding. I know they are still going up, and I’m happy about that, but it is still worrying me that they aren’t going up fast enough.

My progesterone must be pretty good, cos I believe that’s what causes most of the symptoms – or as my book calls it – Progesterone Poisoning. My breasts are tender, I’m tired every afternoon and now the nausea has started. It’s not terrible yet. I really only notice it when I’m hungry, or driving. The driving is a problem, since I spend quite a bit of time in my car every day. I have noticed though that if I am distracted, then I don’t notice it as much. Taking sips of water is helping for now. I’ve also realised that cereal and milk for breakfast don’t really work very well. My body is not liking milk at all!

I’ve also realised that since this isn’t my first time through this, I’m losing out on a lot of the fun stuff that normally happens. I’ve re-installed one of my tracking apps, but it’s not as much fun to look at every day, since I did that all the last time. I liked having the distraction last time when I made it to 6 weeks and felt I was getting into safer territory. Then when I made it past 7 weeks and felt as if I was out of the woods. We started planning and really enjoying the fact that we were going to have a baby. Then at 8 weeks 2 days I lost that one. I feel like I don’t know when the pit in my stomach will go away, and when I can start seriously shopping for baby things this time. I worry that my worrying is doing bad things to the baby. It’s not healthy I know, but I can’t help it. I wish over and over again that I could just be “normal” for one day, one week, one pregnancy. That I could get pregnant, not care about my numbers and have a baby at the end without truly stressing about anything. Now I’m that woman who goes to the loo and makes sure I’m not spotting every single time! I’ve realised I should turn the light on when I go, as sometimes in the dark shadows can be deceiving. I’m that woman who knows all her levels, and what they do and don’t indicate. I ended up having to explain all of this to my mother this morning, which was bizarre, she’s had two children and two ectopic pregnancies – but she never needed to know anything about the figures – she just fell pregnant.  I know that every pregnant woman stresses about some stuff, but very few have a founded reason to stress about whether the baby will stick. I hate that I, and my friends in the blogosphere, are in that group of women!

I’m hoping to hear from Dr P later today. Hopefully he will put some of my fears to rest.

To those of you who are still struggling to get your BFP, or still dealing with losses you have been through, I am truly sorry if any of my posts makes you sad. I am also sorry for sounding whiny. I am very excited about being pregnant, but the nerves are getting to me every now and then!

Bianca Johnson

Mom, Wife, CEO. I am a knowledge junkie who loves sharing what I know with the world. I'm passionate about empowerment in everything that I do and I survive thanks to strong, black coffee and box red wine.