Dealing with loss (or not)

In preparation for trying again I decided to go to a chiropractor. I’d read a few places online that they could be good and that getting your body aligned before pregnancy can help with a lot of the aches and pains. I’ve never been to a chiropractor before. I’d read up about them and had a fairly good idea of what they did, but hadn’t every gotten around to trying one myself. I have always loved getting massages though, and I have no problems with being touched. I’ve actually got almost no issues when it comes to being naked, touched, waxed etc. I’d done a fair amount of research leading up to the appointment and made sure I was prepared for what was to come and also dressed appropriately. I was complimented on both surprisingly. The tension in my back however was not something I was expecting. Clearly I have been dealing with my three losses by keeping it all in and holding that tension in my back muscles.

The chiro would find a spot and press slightly with his finger and I would be wincing. I have a high pain threshold and so I have clearly just dealt with this. About 6 years ago I damaged my coccyx while showing the little girl I nannied for how to do a sit bounce on a kids trampoline that was inside and only 1 foot off a concrete floor. It was very, very painful! I never had anything done as when I googled the injury most info said there was nothing really to do. So I left it and dealt with it as best I could. That hasn’t helped my back any either. My main reason for going to the chiro was to try and figure out if we could find a source for my recurrent miscarriages, but also because he works in a large practice with multiple specialties, maybe I could be referred to other complementary specialists down the line. After my first session he said he had no idea where to start. He had found so many issues in my back that he didn’t know which to focus on. I told him that I’m happy to work through all of them with him and hopefully we will at least get my body to place where it will be more welcoming to another squirt.

One of the results of the chiro appointment was that I slept better than I have in months on Friday night. Another one has been the fact that I feel like I’m on the verge of tears all the time since then. It was a difficult weekend as my in-laws were visiting and they don’t know about the pregnancies. They live far away and I didn’t want to get them excited and then have them far away to deal with the bad news. I had planned to tell them after our first scan, which would have been at 9 weeks, but I didn’t make it to that. They are visiting other family for a couple of days, so I might have some time to let the tears all out. Maybe after the chiro tomorrow?

Over the weekend I started reading a lot of other blogs on recurrent miscarriage and other infertility issues. Sharing those other women’s experiences has been very helpful for me and I am grateful that they have been brave enough to share their experiences with the world. I realise a lot of them do it anonymously and I understand their desire to do it like that. I want to share with the world and find the support that I need, but I also realise that I can’t control what others will say to me or how they will deal with it. So for now I’m holding off on going public. If someone finds my blog then I’m ok with that.

This is going to be a long post as I need to get lots of things out. I think it’s a cathartic way for me to deal with what I have gone through and am going through. That’s the hardest part about recurrent miscarriage, it’s not something you’ve gone through, it’s on going. Until you have a baby in your arms that you carried to term, it will always be something you are going through. That’s a tough thing for me to think about. I want answers and a way forward and a plan to follow to make it all better. But for now I can’t have any of those things.

Like many of the women who write these blogs I’m a reader and researcher, especially online. I have  googled countless variations of “is (this) normal” and almost every other thing. I’ve googled every medicine my Dr puts me on and all the possible side effects. With my last pregnancy I joined quite a few online forums for pregnant women and then had to share that it was over. I used those too to try and find more answers. As with many others, I have found reading these blogs with the varied experiences that everyone is going through immensely helpful. I have however decided that journalling (blogging) is not going to be enough. I sent emails to two therapists last night to see if I could find one who I gelled with. I need to talk to someone who isn’t married or related to me, who can help me deal with those irrational thoughts in the darkest hours of the night.

Why is it always that the darkest thoughts come to us in the darkest hours of the night? As I lay awake unable to sleep AGAIN, and listen to the irritating, calm breathing of B as he soundly sleeps. It’s only irritating because I desperately want to sleep, or I want to talk about what’s going through my head and I know that it will just ruin his day to be awake at 4am with me! I love my husband. He truly is the love of my life. He is a wonderful, caring man who almost always says the right things. But he needs his sleep! He is seriously grumpy when he’s tired or hasn’t slept well. He’s also an IT guy, which means he’s not always sure how to deal with me. He learns fast though and I appreciate that immensely.

I’ll go more into my deepest, darkest thought another time. If you’ve read this whole, rambling post – Thank You! It means a lot to know that there are people out there that care enough about my story to read all of this.

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Bianca Johnson

Mom, Wife, CEO. I am a knowledge junkie who loves sharing what I know with the world. I'm passionate about empowerment in everything that I do and I survive thanks to strong, black coffee and box red wine.